'Fair Share'

I recently finished reading the book ‘Lean In’ written by Facebook’s COO Sheryl Sandburg. I knew a little about her, but this book gave me the opportunity to know her views on feminism and her career journey. The negative connotations associated with the word ‘feminism’ are common among our generation, so I wanted to point out that, Women > Men (This is not feminism), Women = Men (This is feminism). I believe in this definition of feminism and this is what came across to me in the book.

Sheryl Sandburg talks about gender inequality and how even today most of the top positions in the workforce are held by more men than women. She discusses how women unintentionally hold themselves back and outlines ways for them to succeed in their professional life.

Even though I agree with the criticism about her privileged background, the message in the book made sense to me. I found myself nodding in agreement at various points while reading this book and I am sure most of my female friends and colleagues will experience the same.

I wanted to write about a few ideas in the book that resonated with me the most. My friends and female colleagues have also shared similar experiences with me over the years.

1)     Feelings of self-doubt and self-worth–

Quote: “I learned over time that while it was hard to shake feelings of self-doubt, I could understand there was a distortion. I would never have my brother’s effortless confidence, but I could challenge the notion that I was constantly headed for failure.”

In any school exam, I always scored more than I thought I would. Even after several rounds of job interview and finally getting a job, I doubted if I was really capable of it. And most of the time at work I still have to challenge the notion that I am headed for failure. My mother who is extremely successful in her career has often experienced this too.

1)     The jungle gym concept

Quote: “careers do not need to be mapped out from the start. This is especially comforting in a tough market where job seekers often have to accept what is available and hope that it points in a desirable direction. We all want a job or role that truly excites and engages us. This search requires both focus and flexibility, so I recommend adopting two concurrent goals: a long-term dream and an eighteen-month plan.”

After my graduation in architecture I worked for few years as an architect. While working on few projects, I realized that I am more interested in the design research part of it. I then did my master’s in strategic design. After working for some time doing design research for products, I had to move to the US for my husband’s job. I then contracted with a marketing organization which was very different. Due to another move within US, I again had to look for new opportunities. The kind of openings that were available forced me to transition into a UX Researcher which ultimately landed me my present job.

At every single job change, I felt bad that I am not climbing the career ladder, but little did I know that I was actually climbing a jungle gym. 

2)     Success and Likability

“success and likability are positively correlated for men and negatively correlated for women. When a man is successful, he is liked by both men and women. When a woman is successful, people of both genders like her less.”

Even though I have not experienced this myself as I have never been in such a high position in my career, I have seen this happen to other female leaders. Women who have leadership qualities are called bossy and dominating whereas a man is appreciated for the same qualities.

3)     Life Partner

“I truly believe that the single most important career decision that a woman makes is whether she will have a life partner and who that partner is. I don’t know of one woman in a leadership position whose life partner is not fully – and I mean fully – supportive of her career. No exceptions.”

We had recently moved to the US. Kiyan was 7-8 months old and I was not working. At that point, Kedar insisted that we should send Kiyan to a daycare and I should spend my whole day focusing on reskilling and looking for jobs. Sending Kiyan to a full-time daycare when I was not working made no sense financially. Everyone knows how expensive daycare is and I definitely felt extremely guilty for doing that. But Kedar was very firm and told me to think long term. Now when I think about it, I feel so glad that I focused on my career. I feel really lucky to have a husband who not only completely supports my career but also encourages me to ‘lean in’.

4)     The mom guilt:    

“Employed mothers and fathers both struggle with multiple responsibilities, but mothers also have to endure the rude questions and accusatory looks that remind us that we’re shortchanging both our jobs and our children. As if we needed reminding. Like me, most of the women I know do a great job worrying that we don’t measure up.”

I am sure that every working mother at some point has felt guilty about not giving enough time to her kids. I have felt that too and still feel it many times. That being said, I also feel guilty if I am staying at home due to a sick kid and have to either cancel some of my meetings or take a call from home. This guilt holds you back in taking more risks.

I have highlighted these 5 examples which echoed with me. There are many of these in the book. What is worth carrying forward is to be conscience of the negative self-talk and to stop it when the opportunity knocks. We need to set high goals to reach our full potential and let the confirmation bias take care of the rest.